i think i need to start keeping a diary and seeing a therapist. any encounter i have with a specific parent of mine leads to a traumatic panic response. i go the whole day feeling a sense of depression and guilt, all of which i know my parent assigned me to get rid of their own depression and guilt. my logical mind knows it is not my fault, and yet i cant help but draw dread continuously from all of our encounters. it’s so unhealthy. i need to get well.
been posting a lot to facebook recently because… i dont know. lately every night is a sleepless night. third night in a row where im up past 1am after a 10hr work day. a lot of insomnia and loneliness and lovelessness. i feel like i havent been taken care of lately. it’s never about me, and that’s usually how i prefer it. but these late late nights and early mornings are making me extremely reflective, which probably makes the staying up worse. sometimes it feels like someone should give a shit about what i need or want for once. it’s just hard to feel like youre doing a lot for a lot of people and expecting nothing in return, and then ACTUALLY getting nothing in return. and maybe posting this in the middle of the night on facebook of all places is attention seeking, and maybe i am seeking attention. not attention from EVERYONE or ANYONE. but from someone. maybe. maybe i’ll regret all these stupid emotions in the morning and delete this. maybe.
i wish i could be someone else somewhere else sometimes
i wonder why i do the things i do when i receive so little in return
and i wonder how i can take the things i want without having to fight so damn hard because im so tired
ive never been more tired in my life
there is no other platform by which i can be so fully and completely existential, emotional, extra, anxious, depressed, and tired on like tumblr. sometimes i wanna post on fb or twitter, but i dont wanna look like one of those people who are searching for pity or validation, even though i sometimes feel like i need exactly those things. i think it’s odd how most of the people in my life think they know me, when they truly dont. my own sister told me yesterday that she thought something of me that i know is entirely wrong. is there no one i dont mask for?
anyways, that is an entirely differenr existential topic to get on top of. the real post is this: i can see and feel my life melting away before me, rapidly, so fast i have no time to process it, and i feel absolutely helpless on what to do about it. i dont enjoy my free time; it feels as though i have no free time. i have no hobbies, and the hobbies i wish to keep are unavailable to me due to injury or burnout. i have loves in my life who i dont see or speak to or even know any more. how i wish i held more hands and kissed more cheeks and hugged more bodies. i wish i saved more money; i wish i knew how to start saving money. i continue to work a job i hate for fear of losing what little money i manage to keep. i have trauma and anxiety and longing and no tools to cope. i have nothing and want everything.
i am lonely and sad and tired. i miss people i loved dearly. i miss people i saw yesterday. i need to try to pick up more little moments and tuck them away. i need to make bigger moments so the little moments dont seem so far and few. im just feeling so insignificant. why am i here?
yknow life really sucks sometimes and it’s not okay but what is there to do about it
our lives are not our own, and while i refuse to claim im a victim of circumstance, it’s very hard not to feel like that at times
Loic Locatelli Kournwsky - https://www.behance.net/locatellikournwsky - https://www.instagram.com/loiclocatelli - https://loic-locatelli.tumblr.com - https://www.facebook.com/loic.locatelli - https://twitter.com/LoicLocatelli
